one of the hardest things for me..

Those that know me best know that I have never been a fan of change. As much as I try to accept it, I am like my father when it comes to change. I get all jumpy and anxious and hate it. I think it's the uncertainty that comes along with change. When something is changing, it is different. When something is different, I have no idea of how it will all end. I wish I could say I was one of those people that get excited with change. That welcomes it opened arms and says yay but, I don't think I can ever be that way. Everyday I unfortunately, spend a bit of time worrying about my future. Wondering if I will ever be able to pain free hold a baby. Wondering if I will be able to feed him/her. Wondering if it will take so much out of me physically that I will count the moments before Jerad gets home. My entire life I have wanted to be a mother. I have wanted to have babies and well for the first time in my life ever, I am so scared of the idea. I want to be the best mommy ever and I am scared that my fibro will hold me back. Jerad assured me that he will hold the baby for me or prop the baby up for me so that I don't need my arms always but I am still very scared. I watched a baby story on TLC the other day and this one lady had MS and tumors on her brain. She said that having her baby was helping her to keep her mind off of her own problems and all that she worried about was if her baby was healthy and happy. I hope that this is what happens to me. I hope that even when I do have pain beyond belief, I am too preocupied by being a good mommy that I ignore my pains.